Follow ye all that is written from the hand of God!.....or Chuck here will get pissed

Okay now. So let’s say you’re in a band. And let’s say you’ve been going at it for a while now. You’ve moved out of playing in the garage or basement or attic and you’ve actually played out at a few places that weren’t your little sisters birthday party. You’ve recorded some of your stuff, burned some discs, had your drummer do up some cool-assed covers and all that. But now it’s some time later and all you’ve got to show for it is a couple boxes of CD’s with cool-assed covers and a “no thanks” from your little sister to play her birthday party next year.

Where’s the cash? You dig playing but damn!…it would be nice to get some gas money once in a while, yknow? Or a burrito? Or a pack of gum?

The place to get some coin for your toil is in the tribute band circuit. Now before you get all fired up and just run out into the street and start up a tribute band, there are some minor guidelines that must be adhered to. And these rules came right from the mouth of God so don’t dick ‘em up, okay? Good.

The Ten Commandments of Tribute Bands

1. Thou shalt be known as a “tribute band” only if thine musical set consists of selections by or known to one artist. Nay shall there be any intermingling of artists unless there is a personal tie-in. Black Sabbath/solo Ozzy tribute acts are deemed acceptable in the eyes of the Lord. Black Sabbath/ABBA acts, though perversely amusing, are right out. Playing Nirvana songs with Soundgarden tunes and then tossing in that one Candlebox croaker-of-a-tune and billing thyselves as a “Seattle Sound Tribute Band” is wrong. Ask that Aaron guy from Staind ’bout that (hint: they were reportedly a grunge tribute band before they whined their way to rock-stardom).
2. Being a “tribute band” extends beyond the realm of thine music. Thou must make noticeable effort to resemble the band thou art aping in physical appearance as well as fashion. If thine band art playing the songs of The Mamas and the Papas and there is no large woman singing, thou art wrong. If thou art playing the sonic collections of DEV-O and thou hast no red pyramid hats nor yellow jumpsuits, thou art wrong. If thou art a KISS tribute act without make-up, thou art only to play the songs that KISS produced during the time they did not sport make-up (from 1983 AD to 1996 AD).
3. Thou must make a concentrated effort to bestow a name upon thine tribute band that will allow possible converts to recognize which group thou art paying homage to. Album or song titles of said band being tributed are acceptable in the eyes of God (eg. Eye Of The Tiger = Survivor tribute band. Surfer Rosa = Pixies tribute band). Random, obscure lyrics and trivia are not acceptable as band names. Just because thou hast knowledge that singer James Hetfield enjoys creamy, spoonable, Latin desserts does not give allowance for thine Metallica tribute band to be named “FLAN”. Just as if John Cougar Mellencamp has uttered the word “chili dog” in one of his songs, that doth not make it a tribute band name.
4. If thine band doth pay tribute to a band still actively touring and/or producing albums and can be heard on popular radio, thou art full of suck and wrong unless said band doth NOT play out live with any regularity OR thine band doth reside in a region where the band of thine tributation would never tour in a million years. A Black Eyed Peas tribute band in Centerville, Maine (population 20) may be considered. An Arctic Monkeys tribute band in New York City may not. A Tool tribute band may be considered where ever.
5. “Cover band” doth not equal “tribute band”. Even if thine set list has more than three (3) songs by the same artist, thou art a cover band until a full set of one artists songs is performed….along with the following of the above mentioned decrees.
6. Thou must wait two (2) years after a bands demise to start a tribute act of said band. Then thou must wait another year……and a half.
7. No more than two (2) tribute bands of a specific demised group may exist within a twenty-five (25) mile radius at the same time. More than two (2) will result in a battle of the bands where the bands in question must perform the same song set of no more than three (3) songs for a full audience and a distinguished board of experts. Then the band deemed least like the famous band copied is to be put to death, never to be heard of again. Ever.
8. Thine tribute band shall not ever record “thine material” ever. If thine tribute band produces CD’s or tapes of thyselves performing the songs of the band that they imitate for sale and or distribution, thou shall be put to death immediately if not sooner.
9. Much thought and prayer must be used in the selection of which band thou should pay tribute to, paying attention to the element that “popular” may not be the most solid foundation for tribute band building. For “popular” is fleeting. Pink Floyd or T. Rex may be considered for tribute. Alien Ant Farm may not. Waylon Jennings may be considered for tribute. C.W. McCall, though amusing, may not. Parliament may be considered for tribute. T.I. or Sisquo may not.
10. Thou shalt NEVER start a Motorhead or Public Enemy tribute band for that is blasphemous and offensive in God’s eyes.

Tags: humor, money., rules, tribute bands

This entry was posted on Monday, December 7th, 2009 at 1:15 pm and is filed under Tips for Musicians. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.